“He felt like he was walked all over like a doormat.”

This is a common saying, or analogy implying that one feels that they’ve been taken advantage of, used, bullied, or violated in some way. What happened is that a line was crossed, a personal boundary, resulting in these feelings of resentment and belittlement as though one is as low as a doormat meant to wipe ones feet.

Personal boundaries are physical and emotional limits in place to separate and protect ourselves from the influence of others. Through these limits, we let other people know when their behavior and actions are not acceptable to us. 

Internal boundaries are limits we set for ourselves so we don’t become over worked, or over stressed. They help us to manage activities, our personal needs, insure self care, and organize time. Our own boundaries remind us to be respectful of others and their opinions and needs.

We make our boundaries by simply saying “Yes” or “No”

This is how you allow things to come into your life, and to move them out of your life.

Yes, this is ok.

No, this is not ok.

We develop our boundaries based on examples, our values, and our self-esteem. Much of these are learned from early childhood experiences. Unfortunately, many of us grew up without good examples or lived in toxic environments, leaving us with toxic beliefs.

What do you do when you haven’t a good foundation? Where do you start when you have to re-evaluate your boundaries because of the way you seem to be consistently stressed by the rigors of your lifestyle, or walked all over by others?

This is a sensitive topic because it very closely relates to ones sense of self and identity, and directly effects all of our relationships.

Regularly re-evaluate your boundaries.

A good indicator that your partner, friend, co-worker, etc., habitually crosses your boundaries is that you feel okay with them, but when you’re apart you feel angry and resentful toward them. 

Sometimes the other person is charming and persuades you to do things their way and dismisses your feelings. You may not realize whats happening, or you may be so used to the behavior you don’t see it for what it is. This is why it’s so important to know yourself and respect your feelings. Eventually, the resentment and stress shows up, and you will have to do something about it.

In healthy relationships, partners respect feelings, perspectives, and opinions. Permission is asked and the wellbeing of one another is always considered. 

Determine the type of boundary(s) that you need

1) Recognize your own needs. Be aware of your feelings and what you want your experience to be. For example: Is there someone or something that continually stresses you? How do you feel about locked doors, personal space, loud noises, your workload at the office, or sharing your physical property?

2)  Know yourself and what works for you. 

3)  Be very clear. Mistreatment often occurs simply because there was a miscommunication of expectations.

There are two basic types of boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: (Also includes: Sexual.) Physical boundaries determine who you allow in your space, for how long, and how close. It determines your privacy level and physical comfort. Sexual boundaries protect your comfort with touch and intimacy. 

Mental Boundaries: (Also includes: Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual.) Mental boundaries are how strongly you hold your opinions, beliefs, and thoughts. It’s about being open-minded enough to listen to another opinion without being overly influenced. Emotional boundaries are being responsible for your own emotions, not anyone else’s. Being triggered and taking everything personally indicates weak emotional boundaries.

Sometimes, it’s hard to set boundaries.
If you can relate, there are a few reasons why:

You don’t really know yourself or what you want. You may find yourself easily influenced by others and just “go with the flow”.

You put other’s needs and desires before your own. This happens because you may not think you have the “right” to say something, or you don’t feel deserving of the attention

You play small because you don’t want to hurt the relationship or fear reprisal. 

Setting boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy self-esteem and a healthy lifestyle.They let others know our level of self respect and how they are to treat us. Healthy boundaries don’t interfere with other peoples boundaries, but like good fences, they create good neighbors and good relationships.

 

________

Related Articles:
How to Build Healthy Boundaries