Often, when one is struggling to figure out who they are and what they want, the influence of others can make them feel like they’re being blow around by the wind. They like to agree to things because it’s convenient and reduces conflict, and find it hard to say no. Often when one doesn’t really know themselves, it’s just easier to just focus on what’s in front of them. It’s much less pleasant to focus on their stirring internal conflict because they aren’t doing what they want to do.

An essential part of understanding who you are and feeling empowered is developing and enforcing Personal Boundaries. These boundaries are the limits that we set to protect ourselves from the influence, harm, or potential harm from others. It is the outcome of valuing yourself.

What happens when we don’t have appropriate or enforced boundaries?

There is always a feeling of frustration and irritation when your limits are crossed. Maybe it’s low level and coupled with reluctant resignation because the violation has been on-going, but it’s always there. It especially comes up when you’re by yourself and have time to reflect. These are major cues you must do something to stop allowing others to tell you how to think, act or feel, and to stand up for yourself and your needs.

A few ways lacking or weak boundaries effect your life:

• Self doubt and inability or fearful to make decisions
• Difficulty and conflict in relationships
• Overcompensate to stop disappointment from others
• Unusual fear of rejection or abandonment
• Often used or exploited by others
• Don’t know when giving too much
• Difficulty communicating honestly
• Focusing intensely on mistakes

Now that we see the ways lacking boundaries negatively impacts your life, let’s look at the ways building and enforcing them helps you.

How your life is positively effected by having healthy boundaries:

• More balanced home and work life
• Boost emotional wellness and self esteem
• Inspires a positive self-image
• Enforces privacy of personal information
• Courage to decline invitations and situations that don’t serve you

The next step is to begin reviewing, reinforcing, and building the limits and guidelines for your life experience.  Begin by first looking at types of boundaries.

There are two basic types that can be broken down and addressed in several areas.

Physical: Physical boundaries determine who you allow in your space, for how long, and how close.

Mental: Mental boundaries are how strongly you hold your opinions, beliefs, and thoughts. It’s about being open-minded enough to listen to another opinion without being overly influenced.

The other areas to set self-protecting limits are:

Emotional: Emotional boundaries is the recognition that you’re only responsible for your own emotions. It’s not your job to keep others happy. Knowing that you are your own person when you’re in a relationship, and you’re still worthy if you’re single.

Sexual: Sexual boundaries determines with who, how and when you are intimate. It outlines the limits of your physical comfort and what types of sexual exploration you’ll allow. You determine how your partner touches you and to enforce safe practices.

Spiritual: This boundary is how we protect our relationship with God. Be cautious of where you seek Truth. Developing a strong spiritual practice and belief will prevent you from the enticements of cults and “spiritual” organizations that would exploit you.

Psychological: Psychological Boundaries may be described as differentiation from another. This means that you, your thoughts, and physical needs are separate from anyone else. The opposite to this is codependency, where one doesn’t have self sufficiency or autonomy from another. Psychological violations also include preying on another’s sense of self, attacking their self esteem, ridicule, judging, and gas lighting.

After reading through this list, it gives one a lot to think about. It’s easier to begin apply limits on whats acceptable in your life when you know what to look for and what stands out. 

How to build healthy boundaries:

1) Forgive yourself from the past. Whatever happened, and however you were treated in the past, is in the past. It can no longer effect you unless you allow it. Chances are, whatever happened where you felt violated, wasn’t your fault.

2) Listen to your own feelings. Your feelings are indications of pleasure and pain (among other emotions). Consider that you will allow or tolerate and what makes you uncomfortable. Feeling dismissed, bullied, verbally attacked, fearful, and stressed are indications your boundaries are being violated. When you experience these emotions, it’s a red flag a line must be drawn. Heed these warning signs, they mean a boundary is needed!

3) Differentiate (Separating yourself from others). Your needs are different from other people and need to be recognized. It’s important to be able to receive perspective from others without the need to align yourself with their thinking and desires.

4) Develop self respect and self esteem. This is about self respect and the expectation of the respect from others. Recognize that you deserve to be treated appropriately and with care.

5) Enforce your values and practice self care. You decide what is important to you and what isn’t important. You also have the right to change your mind. Knowing what is right for you is how you determine your values. Self care is activities we do to improve and maintain our physical, mental, and emotional well being.

Through self reflection, assertiveness, and follow through, we build healthy boundaries. It begins with the process of self discovery of our own needs and desires, and by truly looking at and accepting who we are as an individual. This may appear daunting at first, bit it quickly gathers momentum because it directly boosts self esteem!

The goal is to eliminate toxic people from your life, and to identity and avoid them and potentially toxic situations in the future. Ultimately, you’ll develop a support system of people around you that respect you, and value your options and well being.

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Healthy Boundaries and Why We Need Them