That day she slept through her alarm clock and therefore was late to work, and late to every meeting she had that day. This created a very stressful and unproductive Monday, and a bad start to the week. She attributed her tardiness to her partners morning routine, the traffic, even the family dog, but truly it was because she stayed up much too late tonight before.

What is Blame?

To Blame is to find fault with, or hold something or someone responsible…and usually it’s someone or something other than ourselves.

Blaming Others 

We have all experienced giving or receiving blame, and the accompanying hot flush of guilt. But, why do we blame?

1) It’s a defense mechanism.
This is based on pride, because no one wants to be seen in a poor light. Also, people often accuse others of bad behavior for which they themselves are guilty yet refuse to acknowledge. 

2) It’s a destructive form of conflict resolution.
The outcome of a difficult discussion should be a resolution that respects everyone’s needs, based on mutual understanding. If you’re reiterating the mistakes of the other person, not listening, and dismissing their feelings, it probably will just result in more conflict later.

3) It’s simply easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility.
It’s easier to shift responsibility to someone else for bad situations and outcomes than it is to accept the negative repercussions.

4) A need for control. Often, people criticize and blame others, believing that admitting any weakness on their part diminishes their creditability and control. 

As long as they’re getting benefit from it, people continue to chastise and cast blame. Often it’s just a convenient justification for unsatisfactory events or conditions.

Blaming others is avoidance. It is avoiding accountability to make the necessary changes to improve things. Being accountable is taking responsibility. Accepting responsibility is a requirement for any type of success. When you blame others you give your power away. Your own choices are the reason for your happiness or unhappiness, for your good fortune or suffering. Your choices are responsible for your present situation. Blaming others is just making excuses so you don’t have to do the work necessary to take charge of your own life and well-being.

We all make mistakes. It’s important to learn from them. Don’t throw away the lesson by chastising others.

Some keys to peaceful resolutions and avoiding blame:

Try to predict future outcomes and possible problems before they occur, when making plans. For example: If there’s a possibility of rain, bring an umbrella. If you’re not 100% sure your credit cards will work in a foreign country, call your bank before you leave. Try to be prepared. Also, when making plans, take into consideration the needs and desires of others. If you’re not sure, ask. Planning ahead often prevents frustrating situations. 

Communicate your needs and feelings clearly. Often, taking time to think about a situation before saying something, allows you to calm yourself and not say inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. It gives you time to decide on next steps.

When having difficult conversations, it’s important to try to remain calm, and address right away issues instead of waiting until you’re so frustrated, it all comes out it once in anger. Truly, we don’t know the source and thinking behind another’s actions. They may simply have not known it was an issue. And, addressing issues right away prevents them from becoming bigger or resulting in conflict.

Listening is essential even though it may be difficult. It’s important to listen to the other persons complaints, trying to see things from their point of view without getting defensive. This way you may understand all of the elements contributing to the problem. It’s much better to listen and talk things out. When others don’t feel heard ,it generates animosity, damaging relationships and problems continue to grow.

Sometimes there isn’t only one “right way” or “wrong way”. Sometimes both points of views are valid. Acknowledging this leaves room for a mutual agreement where both can be satisfied.

Often times, when both parties understand each others perspectives and needs, a solution is easily found. A simple apology may be all that Is needed to when there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Accepting responsibility and working through difficult outcomes or conversations empowers you by giving you control of your own life and circumstances. Even if the decisions you made didn’t turn out as desired, it can be a valuable learning experience. Its also possible that other opportunities may come of it. Avoiding blame also empowers others around you to work as a better team in a supportive environment.